Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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