I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
