The maid of honor just puked.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
