someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
