I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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