Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
