i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
