but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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