btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
