Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
