Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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