Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
