I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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