Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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