my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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