i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
