I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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