Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
