the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
