Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
