Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
