New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
