my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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