My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
