Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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