I faked an abortion last night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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