you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
last night I used snow as a chaser
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
