I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
