Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think my moral compass just broke
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
