saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
