i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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