I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
