the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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