Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
