i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
