When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
