the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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