There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
