wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
