My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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