you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
