Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
