i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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