Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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