So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
