addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
