Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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