Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
