I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Hippo gnu deer
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
