D3 body, D1 cock
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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