also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
