My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
