I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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