You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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