So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
